Our orphanage visit and the past couple of days

I have read about and talked to families who have visited their child's orphanage a couple of days after they have their child. Many have said they feel it provides closure for the child. That they can go back one more time and say goodbye to their friends, nannies or foster family. Our agency first had us going back in less than 24 hours from our first meeting with Yue Lu. We canceled the visit through our agency since we did not think it was a good idea to go the next day. We asked our guide if we could go a couple of days after our 'gotcha day'. I had mixed feelings about wanting to meet Yue Lu's foster mom, and was not even sure if that would happen. But after we arrived there, we were led to where Yue Lu lived at the orphanage. There are 10 foster families, 2 to a floor in a 5 story building. Yue Lu lived on the 5th floor. As soon as we got off the elevator Yue Lu's foster mom was right there. I don't think she knew we were coming, and it was very emotional for all of us. Yue Lu seemed upset, not accepting affection from her foster mom and not wanting to be near me or Brad either. Her foster mom invited us to come back for lunch after we visited the classrooms. Out of respect we accepted her offer, but the orphanage director later said she didn't think it was a good idea and supposedly called her to let her know. Yue Lu was happy when we were in the school area, and passed out candy we brought to her classmates and the teachers. I met her older brother and he seemed like he may have been confused that Yue Lu was there. I am glad that we went, but Yue Lu has had a few major melt downs since yesterday. I want her to grieve, to be mad, and get out her frustrations. I hope that she did have some sense of closure and that it was not a bad idea for her to go back one last time.

I learned that Yue Lu was with her foster mom for just a year, and had another foster mom and dad before that. I know that Yue Lu has been in foster care for 3 years. I'm not sure if she has had more than 2 foster moms, but I am at least her 4th mama, and she also had several nannies the first two years at the orphanage. It is going to take her a really long time to trust that we will never leave her..that we are truly her forever family.

Yue Lu's foster mom, who was already very emotional, asked our guide to ask us if we would have her move out when she is 18 years old, and if so, will we let her come back to live with her in China. The Chinese think that westerners make their kids leave them when they are 18. We explained to our guide that it is usually the children who want to move out, or leave at 18 to go to college. We assured her foster mom that we will not kick Yue Lu out of the house when she is 18, and how much we already love her and will take great care of her.

I accidentally left a small notebook and pen at Yue Lu's foster families place that had our hotel information in it. We received a phone call at 9pm from the front desk that Yue Lu's foster parents were down in the lobby and wanted to talk to Yue Lu. Yue Lu was sleeping. Even if she were awake, we were not going to have them talk or see each other again, especially since she had a break down earlier in the day. Brad went to the lobby and talked to them with one of the hotel employees translating, and assured them that we are good people and we will take good care of Yue Lu. They wanted to know if we could have a secret meeting for them to see Yue Lu again, and Brad told them that he didn't think it was a good idea. I heard of foster families doing this, and it is so upsetting, and I feel so sad for them. I cannot imagine having to go through that. I know they really love Yue Lu, and we thanked her foster mom earlier in the day for taking such good care of her and what a good girl she is.

I have already noticed some behaviors from Yue Lu that are sometimes seen in kids who are institutionalized. Since their needs are usually not met, or not met well when they are young, they can injur themselves from a fall, or have a bad infection or stomach ache, and not cry out in pain. Yue Lu had a bad fall yesterday at the Lord Bao temple, where normally a child would cry from the fall, but she did not even wimper. She has a bad bruise today on her knee. I made a big deal out of it, kissing it, and gently rubbing her knees. She needs to know that her needs will be met, and that we will soothe her when she is hurt. She has also done some head banging when she is upset which is a self soothing behavior. It's hard to watch, and I read that as long as the child is safe (not doing it on a hard floor), that it is okay since they don't do it hard enough to cause injury. We've only let her do it on the bed. I wonder if this was an old behavior that has resurfaced, or if she does this frequently to comfort herself. She is also extremely independent, but I am trying to help her as much as she will let me so she knows that I am here for her. I am glad I read about a lot of these things during our long wait. I'm sure I will pick up on other behaviors and hope that I have learned from the experts how to recognize and work on bonding and trusting techniques. She is still doing very well overall, especially when it's just the 3 of us. We've had a lot of fun playing with her, watching all her dance moves, playing hide and go seek, coloring with her and just acting silly. We've had busy days where she does not do as well. I'm sure she is overstimulated. She told our guide she stayed in a lot except for shopping with her foster mom. Today was her first day at the zoo, and I'm sure she has not been to any temples or has been able to pick out her own clothes, shoes, or food. We are at the hotel all day tomorrow until we leave in the late afternoon for Guangzhou. I think it will be good to have some down time before we get to a new city. As for her loving animals, she was not very interested today at the zoo, and said that she was afraid of some of the animals. She eventually enjoyed watching the monkeys, but she seemed really tired today, and her schedule is so out of whack right now that maybe that is why she was not too into it. We are making an effort starting tomorrow to get her back on track to her 'normal' routine.

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